He looked at the watch, lying sideways on the nightstand - he had never worn it after the first day. 7:47 am. Almost time.
He double-checked everything one last time. The bag - which would be stuffed full when he returned with the haul - check; wallet - check; phone - check. 7:49 now. Just a few more minutes.
Lots of planning had gone into this; he had to pick the perfect hour to avoid the crowd. 8 am worked best. The store would have just opened for the day - he would be in and out in less than half an hour, back at the hideout.
As he walked out of his room, his mind erupted in a frenzy to stop him in his tracks.
"You have enough for at least two more days. Why want more? We'll consider this after we've run out. Come on. This is foolishness."
Just a few more steps. Almost at the front door now. Keep going.
"No. Stop. It's almost 8. You're going to run into a ton of people. Abort."
He put on his shoes, the only pair he owned - he didn't see the point in having more than one. When they'd wear out, he'd buy new ones. Simple as that.
A month ago, the earphones had breathed their last; he had no more music to escape into while venturing outside. He took one last look at himself in the hallway mirror, hair parted neatly. The jeans barely clung onto his waist, threatening to slip off even with the belt on; he really needed to put on some weight. Maybe some exercise too.
"Haha nice one."
"Seriously though, why put yourself through this?"
This can't go on. It needs to be done.
Taking a deep breath, he opened the front door. The world rose to greet him, overwhelming all senses. The initial shock faded along with the glaring sunlight as he put up his hand to block it. Slinging the empty bag over his shoulder, he started with the short walk at a brisk pace. There was not a soul out on his street yet. He hoped it'd remain that way until he was safely back inside the house.
As he walked, he thought back to when this aversion to people had first began. He couldn't pinpoint an exact moment in life when it had emerged; it had always been there, however these days it seemed to be at the forefront, influencing his actions and outlook towards life. In the back of his head, he realized this was not a healthy way of living his life, that he should be making active changes to this lifestyle. But first things first.
As he approached an intersection and waited for the light to turn green, he marveled at his luck - he hadn't come across a single jogger yet.
Great, you made it this far. In and out. This will be easy.
"Turn back, now. You're still not far off. You can make it back without encountering anyone."
No, I have to keep pushing onward. Not far now.
The building loomed in the distance as he walked across the final intersection; he was almost there. A car passed by, the driver staring intently at him. Looking at him. Looking through him.
"He knows."
Knows what? Stop freaking out.
Time seemed to slow down. Out of nowhere, he felt a thousand eyes all trained on him. Some fixated, unwavering in their glare - others blinking; all of them judging, mocking. The old man walking his dog across the road, the couple standing by their car at the gas station, filling up their tank and the schoolboy waiting for the bus; everyone within sight dropped whatever they were doing to stare at him. Suddenly, he was back on the playground, a teacher having to intervene when he got bullied at the embarrassing age of 17. Suddenly, he was back, locked in that balcony on the 10th floor. He was here and he was there; he was walking and he was on the playground, on the balcony, in the garden and in the class. Laughter, all around him - at him. A knot in his chest - ever tightening, threatening to burst.
The sounds seemed to grow in intensity until they enveloped him entirely. His gaze was stuck to the ground; not looking at his feet as he walked seemed like an impossible task.
He double-checked everything one last time. The bag - which would be stuffed full when he returned with the haul - check; wallet - check; phone - check. 7:49 now. Just a few more minutes.
Lots of planning had gone into this; he had to pick the perfect hour to avoid the crowd. 8 am worked best. The store would have just opened for the day - he would be in and out in less than half an hour, back at the hideout.
As he walked out of his room, his mind erupted in a frenzy to stop him in his tracks.
"You have enough for at least two more days. Why want more? We'll consider this after we've run out. Come on. This is foolishness."
Just a few more steps. Almost at the front door now. Keep going.
"No. Stop. It's almost 8. You're going to run into a ton of people. Abort."
He put on his shoes, the only pair he owned - he didn't see the point in having more than one. When they'd wear out, he'd buy new ones. Simple as that.
A month ago, the earphones had breathed their last; he had no more music to escape into while venturing outside. He took one last look at himself in the hallway mirror, hair parted neatly. The jeans barely clung onto his waist, threatening to slip off even with the belt on; he really needed to put on some weight. Maybe some exercise too.
"Haha nice one."
"Seriously though, why put yourself through this?"
This can't go on. It needs to be done.
Taking a deep breath, he opened the front door. The world rose to greet him, overwhelming all senses. The initial shock faded along with the glaring sunlight as he put up his hand to block it. Slinging the empty bag over his shoulder, he started with the short walk at a brisk pace. There was not a soul out on his street yet. He hoped it'd remain that way until he was safely back inside the house.
As he walked, he thought back to when this aversion to people had first began. He couldn't pinpoint an exact moment in life when it had emerged; it had always been there, however these days it seemed to be at the forefront, influencing his actions and outlook towards life. In the back of his head, he realized this was not a healthy way of living his life, that he should be making active changes to this lifestyle. But first things first.
As he approached an intersection and waited for the light to turn green, he marveled at his luck - he hadn't come across a single jogger yet.
Great, you made it this far. In and out. This will be easy.
"Turn back, now. You're still not far off. You can make it back without encountering anyone."
No, I have to keep pushing onward. Not far now.
The building loomed in the distance as he walked across the final intersection; he was almost there. A car passed by, the driver staring intently at him. Looking at him. Looking through him.
"He knows."
Knows what? Stop freaking out.
Time seemed to slow down. Out of nowhere, he felt a thousand eyes all trained on him. Some fixated, unwavering in their glare - others blinking; all of them judging, mocking. The old man walking his dog across the road, the couple standing by their car at the gas station, filling up their tank and the schoolboy waiting for the bus; everyone within sight dropped whatever they were doing to stare at him. Suddenly, he was back on the playground, a teacher having to intervene when he got bullied at the embarrassing age of 17. Suddenly, he was back, locked in that balcony on the 10th floor. He was here and he was there; he was walking and he was on the playground, on the balcony, in the garden and in the class. Laughter, all around him - at him. A knot in his chest - ever tightening, threatening to burst.
The sounds seemed to grow in intensity until they enveloped him entirely. His gaze was stuck to the ground; not looking at his feet as he walked seemed like an impossible task.
A woman and her young daughter exited the supermarket as he approached. She seemed happy, bubbly almost, talking loudly about school while the mother nodded nonchalantly. The cool air was a relief as he entered the premises; without realizing it, he'd been sweating profusely.
The rest of the excursion was thankfully uneventful, as he grabbed milk and bread and vegetables; exiting with the now-full bag slung over one shoulder, the strap digging into him from the weight of the food. On the walk home, the futility of all the worrying beforehand hit him hard - as it did every week. As he approached the front door, he calmed himself, glad to be done with the ritual but anticipating the next one already.
* * *
So these past two weeks I've been playing Vampyr. My main issue was with the difficulty level of certain boss fights, they felt extremely hard to master and at certain points, I was stuck for almost two days. I am glad I played this now; I would have probably given up on it if I had played it when it was released. There's a lot of talking too, when you interact with the NPCs, many of whom are inserted into the story as characters from your past with little backstory, save for what you uncover through the ensuing conversation. It is a unique tactic, which doesn't always work as intended. Overall, it was a challenging and enjoyable experience, with a greater focus on combat than the games I usually choose. It will certainly make my story-rich list.
In other news, I am out of groceries again, which means an inevitable trip to the market. Those are always fun.
The rest of the excursion was thankfully uneventful, as he grabbed milk and bread and vegetables; exiting with the now-full bag slung over one shoulder, the strap digging into him from the weight of the food. On the walk home, the futility of all the worrying beforehand hit him hard - as it did every week. As he approached the front door, he calmed himself, glad to be done with the ritual but anticipating the next one already.
* * *
So these past two weeks I've been playing Vampyr. My main issue was with the difficulty level of certain boss fights, they felt extremely hard to master and at certain points, I was stuck for almost two days. I am glad I played this now; I would have probably given up on it if I had played it when it was released. There's a lot of talking too, when you interact with the NPCs, many of whom are inserted into the story as characters from your past with little backstory, save for what you uncover through the ensuing conversation. It is a unique tactic, which doesn't always work as intended. Overall, it was a challenging and enjoyable experience, with a greater focus on combat than the games I usually choose. It will certainly make my story-rich list.
In other news, I am out of groceries again, which means an inevitable trip to the market. Those are always fun.
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